To a dour Scot like me, the NFL is pure excitement, all exotic glamour and razzmatazz, like our grim game of rugby following a lengthy period of Hollywood evolution, CGI wizardry and copious steroid injections.
I’m a 49ers fan, so the post-season involves none of that play-off nonsense, instead I have time to giggle like a schoolboy whilst considering the serious details of the game, such as which player has the best name.
So, in no particular order, here’s my favourite eight:
1. Bryan Anger
Bryan Corey Anger (or Banger, as his teammates once nicknamed him) is the Tampa Bay Bucs’ punter and perhaps best known for being drafted by Jacksonville five picks before Russel Wilson. Apparently, the Jaguars don’t look back in … yeah, I’ll not bother.
2. Golden Tate
Golden Tate (the third) is a wide receiver for the Detroit Lions. If I was a writer (which I occasionally pretend to be) tasked with dreaming up an imaginary NFL star, then Golden Tate is the kind of name I’d bestow upon my character.
3. Geronimo Allison
Geronimo Allison isn’t just something you might shout at your wife prior to pushing her out of a plane (parachute attached, of course), it’s also the rather excellent name of the Greenbay Packers’ star wide receiver.
4. Maurkice Pouncey
Maurkice Pouncey or, as his parents know him, LaShawn Maurkice Pouncey, plays centre for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
5. Richie Incognito
Richard Dominick Incognito Jr, to give him his full name, is a guard for the Buffalo Bills. With a reputation for anger, bullying, drug use, and being a vocal Trump supporter, Richie makes a poor show of remaining incognito.
6. Brandon Brown-Dukes
Brown-Dukes sounds like something school bullies might call a kid following an embarrassing toilet-related accident, but it is in fact the rather excellent double-barreled surname of the Pittsburgh Steelers’ running back.
7. Ndamukong Suh
Voted the NFL’s dirtiest player in 2011, Mr Suh is currently a defensive tackle for the Miami Dolphins. Named after his great grandfather, his amazing first name means “House of Spears” in the Ngemba language of Cameroon.
8. Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
Born Ha’Sean Treshon Clinton-Dix, and nicknamed “Ha Ha” by his grandmother, Mr Clinton-Dix is a particularly serious free safety for the Greenbay Packers.
Any better NFL names (past or present) out there I missed? Let me know in the comments.