To a dour Scot like me, the NFL is pure excitement, all exotic glamour and razzmatazz, like our grim game of rugby following a lengthy period of Hollywood evolution, CGI wizardry and copious steroid injections.

I’m a 49ers fan, so the post-season involves none of that play-off nonsense, instead I have time to giggle like a schoolboy whilst considering the serious details of the game, such as which player has the best name.

So, in no particular order, here’s my favourite eight:

1. Bryan Anger

Bryan Corey Anger (or Banger, as his teammates once nicknamed him) is the Tampa Bay Bucs’ punter and perhaps best known for being drafted by Jacksonville five picks before Russel Wilson. Apparently, the Jaguars don’t look back in … yeah, I’ll not bother.

Mr not very angry, proving that punters are people too.

2. Golden Tate

Golden Tate (the third) is a wide receiver for the Detroit Lions. If I was a writer (which I occasionally pretend to be) tasked with dreaming up an imaginary NFL star, then Golden Tate is the kind of name I’d bestow upon my character.

NFL: New Orleans Saints at Detroit Lions
Everything’s golden, well, silver and blue, for Mr Tate.

3. Geronimo Allison

Geronimo Allison isn’t just something you might shout at your wife prior to pushing her out of a plane (parachute attached, of course), it’s also the rather excellent name of the Greenbay Packers’ star wide receiver.

Geronimo! Who needs Randall Cobb when you’ve got Allison?

4. Maurkice Pouncey

Maurkice Pouncey or, as his parents know him, LaShawn Maurkice Pouncey, plays centre for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

NFL: Pittsburgh Steelers at Dallas Cowboys
Maurkice getting ready to Pouncey.

5. Richie Incognito

Richard Dominick Incognito Jr, to give him his full name, is a guard for the Buffalo Bills. With a reputation for anger, bullying, drug use, and being a vocal Trump supporter, Richie makes a poor show of remaining incognito.

You ain’t seen me, right?

6. Brandon Brown-Dukes

Brown-Dukes sounds like something school bullies might call a kid following an embarrassing toilet-related accident, but it is in fact the rather excellent double-barreled surname of the Pittsburgh Steelers’ running back.

Baltimore Ravens v Pittsburgh Steelers
Brandon Brown-Duking it out for the Steelers.

7. Ndamukong Suh

Voted the NFL’s dirtiest player in 2011, Mr Suh is currently a defensive tackle for the Miami Dolphins. Named after his great grandfather, his amazing first name means “House of Spears” in the Ngemba language of Cameroon.

Ndamukong, built like a brick shi…er, a house of spears.

8. Ha Ha Clinton-Dix

Born Ha’Sean Treshon Clinton-Dix, and nicknamed “Ha Ha” by his grandmother, Mr Clinton-Dix is a particularly serious free safety for the Greenbay Packers.

Ha Ha? You think this is funny?

Any better NFL names (past or present) out there I missed? Let me know in the comments.